i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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