I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
