i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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