i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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