69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
