sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
