i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
