I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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