my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
