I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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