I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
