I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
