I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
