im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
