Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
