How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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