i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
