why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
