Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
