I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
