I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
