you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
