No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She's the barista slut.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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