Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
