My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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