she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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