I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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