you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i out mim tonsoeep
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
