And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
