apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
