she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
