i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
