Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
