You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
