dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
