Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
