...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
