I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
