I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
