just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
