You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's shark week go big or go home
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
