I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
