Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
