i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
