I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i love accidental penises.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
