I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
