Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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