I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
