if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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