He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The air was thick with penises
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
